does anyone else have a very 'emotionally shut off' friend? | Mumsnet (2024)

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berylbainbridge · 13/11/2015 10:39

I've known her for about 6 years and feel that I have barely got past a certain level of friendship with her. I know she's a 'private' person but rightly or wrongly I sometimes feel frustrated at how surface-y our friendship still is after all these years. She doesn't have many other friends and I know she sometimes struggles with low mood etc. I suppose I'm just very different and enjoy having a good level of intimacy with a few close friends. This makes me sound very judgy and horrible and I'm really not I just can't articulate well that it actually sort of hurts that I'm kept so much at arms length by her as she's probably the friend I see the most at the moment!

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Right. She's probably not doing it to hurt you - you know that, right? People who feel low about themselves tend to resist intimacy because since they don't think they are lovable, they don't see how anyone else could see them as lovable either.

Can you feel compassion rather than hurt?

Now, in terms of how to fix it, if you want to: be kind, be patient, and if you feel like it, tell her that you're her friend and you'd like her to open up more to you. It probably is an eternal surprise to her that anyone would want to know her more.

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Tell her you're hurt, then. It's your truth, and it may teach her something.

I've been that closed off friend, and I can tell you it came as a HUGE surprise to me when friends told me they were disappointed that I:

• had not told them when I was in their city
• had not opened up about romantic troubles I was having

In my mind, I was sparing them. Because my low self-esteem monster tells me that no-one wants to see me or hear me, really... I was really gobsmacked that anyone did, in fact, want to be around me and to have me open up to them. I hated feeling that I had hurt them, once they told me.

Your friend is just in her own world with her own beliefs about the right way to behave. Tell her you'd like different behaviour, and why. It may help both of you.

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I'm emotionally reserved which probably comes across as shut off. I don't know the reason why she is but I can tell you why I am and hopefully that might help you understand her better?

I am the youngest of 2, born into a family with an alcoholic mum and a workaholic dad. It wasn't a bad childhood and they weren't bad people (mum did stop drinking in my teens), but where as my sibling acted out to get attention, I didn't. I learned to be emotionally self sufficient, filing away feelings in my mental boxes I had. I got remarkably good at shutting the lid on the bad stuff - didn't mean it didn't bubble to the top every now and again but if it did I dealt with it. I became a child ruled by logic and a bit of a problem solver.

Now as an adult I have been accused of being cold many times, but this is unture, although it will probably appear that way to some. I do have feelings, I just don't express them much (except to my dog oddly). My friends became concerned when my mum was dying and I was visiting the Hospice daily, because I wasn't sharing how I was feeling but simply put, I didn't see the need to share -it wouldn't change anything, but I did appreciate them being there. I have few GOOD friends and one best friend and I am always there for them, in my own emotionally stunted way to support when needed (but will admit to getting fustrated when emotions tend to lead actions - but thats my problem) and practical help - I'm better at practical help. I do get low at times but I don’t seek out people when I am, I like to be alone they have learned not to take this personally. I simply don’t understand the reliance on others for our own emotional wellbeing (said not in a judgy way)e.

I think I am babbling now so I'll wrap it up by simply putting; I am a product of my childhood. I am sure that if I were to enter counsiling I might learn to be different but that’s a scab I don’t particularly want to pick but, I don’t have people in my life that I don’t want to be and I love those that are, more than likely if you are in her life she considers the same for you.

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Yes, I do.

To be honest, I find it frustrating and she is not one of my "favourite" friends as a result.

In my opinion you get out what you put in with friendships and she doesn't put much in. She never shares details of her life, when I ask her how she is I just get "ok thanks", if I invite her somewhere I quite often get a refusal.

I am fairly quiet myself and certainly not the life and soul of the party, but I do feel that she puts a wall down more than is usual. In fact, I see her as model of how NOT to be.

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Well, you summed it up here:

I suppose I'm just very different and enjoy having a good level of intimacy with a few close friends.

Yes, you are different to her. Perhaps she can't be the friend you want, or doesn't want to be. Don't take it personally. Some people are perfectly happy being different to you, and it isn't a reflection.

Tell her how you feel but don't expect her to change. If you can't be friends with her how she is, and that's fine by the way, perhaps think about putting some distance between you two, because it sounds like it is more upsetting for you than it is for her.

On a personal level, I am that friend. Your opening post pretty much sums me up, actually. I have a few amazing friends who understand me and accept that that is how I am and we have a lovely time together and I love them lots. I have a couple of friends who I am intimate with, but to be honest, past one or two people, that stuff is SO draining. I have one friend who is pushing me for more and it feels like she is literally digging under my skin, like it's actually painful and exhausting and I can't cope ... I don't know how to tell her, so I keep her at an arms length.

I accept that the way I am drives some people away, and I have lost friends because of it (mostly work friends wanting more than just work interactions) I can live with that, though, because I know that being someone else to keep them around makes me so utterly miserable

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I'm that person too and ricecrispies and tippytappy are spot on as to why re. self sufficiency and a tricky childhood.

My friends respect that and see I make an effort to be close even though I find it extremely difficult - scary even. I would say I have some good qualities too - they can come to me for advice and know I'll be fair and logical and I won't lie/slag them off behind their backs. I'm fun to be with but sadly I can't have that very close friendship with them, but they don't mind now we're grown as they have that relationship with others.

I am aware that when we were younger they would get annoyed that I didn't share my problems and saw it as me not trusting them, but over the years they've found out that I am very caring and emotional but my background makes it nigh on impossible for me to open up.

I must add that social situations for me can be very awkward, so the fact that she shows up to see you is probably a huge step for her and maybe you could respect that and enjoy the lighter side of life with her.

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Daphne - That's what my friends said to me when we were younger - they were angry that I had listened to their problems but hadn't shared anything back. I had no idea that was what they wanted until they told me. But it didn't change anything, I simply couldn't open up and I just apologised profusely. Luckily, they grew to understand as little bits and bobs would come out every now and again.

The other thing I had to learn was to ask them questions about how their day was going, try and remember recent things that had happened to them and ask them how it had gone etc. It took me years to realise that whilst I didn't want anyone asking me those things they would like me to ask them. This stems from my childhood again as no-one was interested in my feelings/what had happened to me and so I never learned that this sort of general conversation was normal.

It's quite hard being that person who never learned to share emotions. It's not like I didn't want to when I was a child, it was just I was punished emotionally if I did (was told I was oversensitive or crazy). So I learnt to keep it all in locked in a little box.

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Oh no don't be horrified Daphne You sound like a lovely and understanding friend. I was referring to a woman who Just. Will. Not. Give. Up. Ever.

I wish she would. I like her, but just don't want to share the ins and outs of my deepest emotions with her. She does have a few friends who are that intimate but I think she thinks that's the only kind of friend there is. I have actually tried to kindly tell her that, but that resulted in her going off on one about how I must be so depressed and asking if I am signed off work yet and obviously I can talk to her if I want (!)

I hate it when people think they need to "fix" me to fit their own ideals of friendship, or assume that I must be unhappy. I am really very happy just weird I suppose!

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You could be describing me too.

I am constantly frustrated by the superficiality of my friendships and lack of intimacy. I'm on the fringe of my social group. I don't have any close friends.

I don't really know what I'm doing wrong, or how to be any different.

It's because of emotional abuse during my childhood, adolescence and adulthood until my late 30s. It's the way I protect myself too.

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